Opinion: This Stalking Awareness month, look for the less obvious signs

January is Stalking Awareness. The Mayor’s Office to End Domestic and Gender-Based Violence encourages survivors to seek support at Family Justice Centers in the five boroughs. Photo via Unsplash/ENDGBV

By ENDGBV Voices Committee 
Dana thought that once she left her abusive ex-husband, she and her young son would be safe. Instead, her ex began calling her hundreds of times a day, driving by her house regularly, and showing up unexpectedly to threaten her and her son. She had to move twice, and both times her ex found her again.

Sadly, Dana’s experience isn’t unique — over 6 million men and women are stalked annually in the US, often in the context of domestic violence. For many people, the word stalking brings up an image of a celebrity being stalked by a stranger. Reality for the millions of victims each year is that it is most likely to be someone they know very well — a current or former spouse or intimate partner. It is the sort of behavior that can slowly make itself felt over time within a relationship, where one partner begins to track and monitor the activities of the other. 

These behaviors are helped by our reliance on electronic devices and social media. Stalkers can use the locator feature on their victim’s phone to monitor their location and show up at unexpected and unwanted times. They can install apps to record conversations and to show every interaction that a victim has with someone else. Fake profiles on social media are used to send disturbing messages and threats to victims. Often this behavior does not end when the victim leaves the relationship, but can actually escalate as the stalker fears the loss of power and control over the victim.

Stalking has many real life impacts on victims, from emotional and mental health impacts to losing jobs and housing as a result of having to move away from the stalking. Healing from this trauma can require years of therapy even when the threat has been removed, especially if it is compounded by experiences of domestic violence. Many women, like Dana, also have the added concern of being mothers with young children. One of the hardest things about being stalked for Dana was watching the emotional toll it took on her son, who suffered from nightmares, anxiety, PTSD and depression.

January is stalking awareness month, and can be a good time to learn more about the issue and resources available to victims. It is important to recognize that stalking does not always look like someone popping out of the bushes at you. It can be someone who invades your privacy or does not allow you to have private time. Are you followed into the bathroom, or questioned about why you took so long. Do you have to account for how you spend your time outside of work? Are your activities being restricted or recorded? Does your partner have access to information from conversations that were had with other people but not mentioned at home? Are you required to share your pin for your phone or your social media account passwords? Are they monitoring your spending and finances? Do you find that your friends and family are used to help monitor your whereabouts and behavior? Stalkers do not respect boundaries and can be found in all levels of society and socio-economic backgrounds. 

Help and support are important. In New York City, each borough has a Family Justice Center that provides resources and can connect victims to housing, legal help, employment help, assistance with food and financial services as well as therapy to cope with the trauma and help plan for the future. There is assistance with childcare and with family counseling so the children can get support for their issues as well. 

Dana and her son have been free from stalking for three years now, and her son has moved from special education classes to being on the honor roll. They both feel safer now, and with the help of legal and social supports, are moving forward on their path to healing.

If you or anyone you know may be experiencing stalking, please visit https://www1.nyc.gov/nychope/ Learn more about stalking at https://www1.nyc.gov/assets/ocdv/downloads/pdf/ENDGBV_BRC-005-E_201912_Stalking%20Brochure.pdf

ENDGBV’s Voices Committee is a survivor-led group that aims to serve as a voice of hope and change for survivors of intimate partner violence throughout New York City. Voices members will share our stories and experiences to raise awareness of intimate partner violence and its impacts, outreach to affected communities, and make recommendations for improved systemic responses as we work towards a future in which all new Yorkers, regardless of race, ethnicity, gender, age, sexual orientation or immigration status feel supported in pursuing lives free from abuse.