OPINION: We must move forward to overcome the stigma of mental illness
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Michael Weinstock, a former firefighter and Brooklyn prosecutor, is running in the Democratic primary for New York’s 3rd Congressional District. Photo courtesy of Weinstock.
By Michael Weinstock
Special to the Eagle
I once called an ambulance because I was having suicidal thoughts and I was terrified. It was about 10 years ago and I was struggling with PTSD and depression following 9/11. Things had been getting much worse — not better — and I asked my doctor to prescribe an antidepressant. He did just that. The conversation lasted fewer than three minutes and I don’t remember any discussion about the potential side effects of the drug.
Instead of helping, the medication took me into a very dark and scary place— in a startlingly brief period of time. While I had been struggling with PTSD since 9/11, and I was definitely coping with depression, I had never been suicidal. That was an unexpected bonus that came along with the prescription.
A couple hours after arriving at the hospital, my head began to clear, and I decided to go home and simply stop taking the medication. Unfortunately, the hospital staff was having none of it. I arrived highly agitated and they needed some assurance that I wasn’t going to go home and kill myself. When I tried to leave, a large security guard physically blocked my path and stopped me.
The doctors insisted that I remain in the hospital for a couple days of observation and there was nothing I could say or do to change that. And to guarantee that I wasn’t going to make a run for it, they assigned a hospital staffer to sit and watch me the entire time - and call out to security, if I made another attempt to pay my bill and call a cab.
I agreed to stick around and be unfailingly polite to everyone, but I had one request. I didn’t want to sit on display in the emergency room, especially with the watcher sitting next to me. I had been a volunteer firefighter and EMT for almost 12 years. Every time an ambulance pulled up, it brought new friends into the building. And each time that happened, my friends would take one look at me, see the watcher, and quickly look down and pretend they didn’t see me.
The hospital staff agreed to move me out of the ER, or at the very least, put up a privacy screen. And for almost three days, I sat around in the emergency room, making small talk with the watchers and begging for something to read and a privacy screen. Eventually, a kind orderly brought me an old issue of Entertainment Weekly. The privacy screen never arrived.
The months that followed my hospital visit were the most difficult and arduous days of my entire life, including 9/11; when the first tower came crashing down and nearly crushed my head. In addition to the PTSD and depression — I was now coping with the aftermath of my visit to the hospital. A firefighter injured in a fire, gets a visit from the mayor. A firefighter struggling with PTSD gets ignored and goes home alone to cope with shame and humiliation.
The rumor mill functioned just like I expected. Was it true that I lost a big trial and tried to kill myself? Not so much. In truth, I got dumped a few months earlier, and it was freakishly similar to losing my best friend on 9/11. Someone I loved had quickly vanished from my life and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. And the heartbreak was made even more painful, because I was dating another firefighter and I hadn’t yet come to terms with being gay. Being openly gay wasn’t that acceptable in 2010. Tom Suozzi had just run for governor and he made his opposition to gay marriage one of his signature campaign issues.
In ten years, our country has made remarkable strides towards accepting gay people. Today, I’m challenging Tom Suozzi in the Democratic Primary for Congress. I’m hoping to become the first 9/11 firefighter elected to Congress and the first openly gay person to represent NYC in Congress.
In contrast, we haven’t made nearly as much progress when it comes to addressing mental health issues. People struggling with PTSD and depression are forced to carry around a stigma of shame and embarrassment. And while the 9/11 bill recently passed by Congress goes to great lengths to protect 9/11 rescue workers struggling with cancer, it was virtually silent on the subject of mental health.
I was required to pay a small fortune of money for the counseling I needed after 9/11. The Fire Department paid for the first six sessions. The rest of the money came from my pocket. And it was crushingly expensive.
Truth be told, I’m still uncomfortable discussing my struggle with PTSD and the depression that invariably follows, but I’ve decided to discuss it openly while campaigning. If we are going to de-stigmatize this medical condition, we need more people discussing it openly and treating it like every other medical condition. There’s a reason that 10 New York City police officers have committed suicide this year. These officers were nervous that they would have been treated differently, if their fellow officers knew they were asking for help. And sadly, they were right. They would have been treated differently.
And that’s why I’ve been embracing my experience and talking about it publicly. I describe my struggle with PTSD on my campaign website and I’ve begun speaking with veterans and first responders and discussing my journey. I’m going to continue working hard and bringing attention to this issue. I’m hoping to become a fresh voice for New York in Congress. And when that happens — I’ll really push this conversation forward.
Michael Weinstock is a former firefighter and former Brooklyn assistant district attorney. He is a candidate for Congress in New York’s Third Congressional District.
