Opinion: Teen dating violence spans cultures, locations and demographics

/
Teen dating violence spans cultures and demographics. Photo courtesy of NYC End Gender-Based Violence VOICES Committee/Unsplash

Teen dating violence spans cultures and demographics. Photo courtesy of NYC End Gender-Based Violence VOICES Committee/Unsplash

 By NYC End Gender-Based Violence VOICES Committee 

At 15, Rosalyn began an intimate relationship with a boy who was her best friend. Angelina fell hard and fast at 15 too, for a boy who made her feel so special by constantly wanting to hang out with her. Susanne’s first relationship consumed her emotionally during her teenage years, and Victoria eventually married the man she began dating as a teen.

While these women’s stories span cultures, decades, and locations, each were sure they had found their life partners at an early age. They had found that young, true, everlasting love they were promised in fairy tales, movies, music and books. However, none were prepared for their relationships to shift from that ideal and become unhealthy, abusive and violent.

Teen dating violence includes physical and sexual violence, psychological and emotional abuse, and stalking of any person between the ages of 12 and 18 in the context of a current or past dating relationship. Nationally, 1 in 3 teenagers report experiencing some kind of abuse in their romantic relationships, including verbal and emotional abuse[1]. These numbers are even higher for LGBTQI+ teens, with one US study finding that 43% of LGBTQI+ youth are survivors of physical dating violence and 59% reported experiencing emotional abuse[2].

With the prominent use of technology among teenagers, and the evolving nature of it, tech dating abuse is also common. This can look like online harassment and verbal abuse, non-consensual sharing of intimate images, and cyberstalking, including unwanted contact via email, text, or social media and using tracking software. A study by the Center for Public Affairs found that 40% of teens and young adults aged 14-24 have experienced technologically abusive dating behavior[3].

By 16, the boy that made Angelina feel so special was beginning to isolate her; constantly asking where she was, what she was up to, and who she was with. Rosalyn’s relationship began replicating power and control dynamics she and her partner had seen growing up. Susanne experienced behaviors that felt like her “heart was being ripped out.” At the time she thought, “that’s just how it is.” She later realized that was emotional abuse. 

These teenage girls were unaware about the abuse they were experiencing and stayed silent. Like many teens, they had never engaged in open conversations about relationships with their parents, teachers or other supportive adults. They had never learned about healthy relationships, consent, or the importance of boundaries. Their peers, whom they reached out to for support, were often similarly uninformed about healthy relationships. So, these teens dealt with their experiences alone, not fully understanding the impact this early trauma had on them until well into adulthood. 

February was Teen Dating Violence Awareness month, a time to highlight a critical issue that continues to impact many of our young people in NYC. 1 in 10 teens in New York City recently reported experiencing physical violence in a dating relationship within the last year, and over 15% reported sexual violence in a dating relationship within the last year[4]. For these numbers to decrease, we need to recognize the role we can play in supporting young people and preventing future violence in our homes, schools and communities.

Healthy relationships should make you stronger, not tougher. They should lift you up, not tear you down. Let’s change the narrative of “puppy love.” 

Invalidating a young person’s relationship or their feelings toward their partner may take away a valuable resource, which is talking about relationship abuse with a supportive adult. Peer-to-peer learning is also important. Young people can inform one another when behaviors are not cool. That’s Not Cool.com offers educational resources to help teens and adults foster healthy relationships and recognize the signs of teen dating violence. Teens must be taught about gaslighting and understand that seeking help for dating abuse is not snitching on your partner. 

By creating safe spaces for young people to talk about relationships, we increase awareness and opportunity for education. We can better protect our young people by: giving them more information about support, being patient, and coming from a place of curiosity about their life.  As teens look for independence they can be more susceptible to manipulation. They need their parents and caregivers as a resource, not just an authority. Adults have an important role to play in teaching children about healthy personal boundaries and respect in love relationships.

The survivors who shared parts of their story in this article are currently strong advocates working to prevent and bring a greater awareness to end teen dating violence and domestic violence. They are speakers, authors, educators, workshop facilitators, and founders of non-profits that provide services to survivors. Each is a member of the NYC Mayor's Office to End Domestic and Gender-Based Violence (ENDGBV) VOICES Committee, a survivor-led group that aims to serve as a voice of hope and change for survivors of intimate partner violence throughout New York City. And it just goes to show that your “mess can someday become your message.” 

Resources for Teen Relationship Abuse Prevention Providers 

  • Mayor's Office to End Domestic and Gender-Based Violence (ENDGBV):

    1. NYC Healthy Relationship Training Academy: the Academy is a prevention and education program that centers young people in their mission to end domestic and gender-based violence. Community educators provide free interactive, intersectional, and discussion-based workshops to young people ages 11-24. Workshop topics include teen dating violence, healthy relationships, and consent. The Academy also delivers skills-based workshops and trainings to parents and professionals working with young people on how to discuss relationships, spot warning signs of intimate partner violence, and be a resource and ally to young people. Helpful videos can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26MpDtPdUm8&list=PLrm1e3ZpvxbwPQgDu7fXewDVgZ9jepIi8

    2. NYC Family Justice Centers Family Justice Centers - ENDGBV (nyc.gov)