Opinion: Sexual assault survivors can heal together

Sexual assault survivors need to know they’re not alone, the writers said. Photo by William Alatriste/City Council

By ENDGBV VOICES Committee 

Every 98 seconds, someone in the United States is sexually assaulted. And for the many people of all ages and all genders who experience sexual assault, the impact does not end with the incident itself. Over 70% of survivors experience severe trauma and distress. Nearly all also cope with the shame and stigma related to sexual violence, which often prevents them from sharing their experiences. 

As we end Sexual Violence Awareness and Prevention Month, the survivor leaders of ENDGBV’s Voices Committee want other survivors to know that they are not alone. They hope that by sharing their stories, they can create space for others who may be dealing with sexual violence to come forward and get the help they need. 

For one survivor, who wishes to remain anonymous, this includes speaking out about an experience of childhood sexual abuse. As a child, her innocence was stolen by a person her family thought they could trust. He was a family friend that took advantage of her as a six and seven-year-old. She remembers the confusion of not knowing it was wrong, until she spoke to a cousin who had been through a similar experience. She told her cousin what happened, and her cousin’s reaction, which included anger and many questions, scared her. She shut down and retracted what she said so it would all go away. She was afraid of how people would look at her, whether they would believe her or think she was lying. 

At seven, she decided not to keep talking in order to maintain peace in her family. It wasn’t until decades later, when she began to write this article, that she realized how pretending the abuse didn’t happen had really affected her. She was still holding on to the shame she felt after being violated, and was living life with a series of “what if's.” What if she hadn’t backtracked her story? What if she had told her grandmother or uncle? What if she hadn’t been so scared? While she can’t change her past, she hopes that by telling her story here she can reach the many others who may be in similar situations -- according to the National Center for Victims of Crime, nearly 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys in the United States will experience childhood sexual abuse, most likely at the hands of a trusted adult.

It is important to dispel the myth that most sexual violence is perpetrated by strangers. In fact, it is quite the opposite. Caroline was 21 years old when she was invited for a night out with close friends. One of the young men she spoke to on and off throughout the evening appeared to be sweet and charming. As the night rolled on he appeared to have drank a little too much. Caroline, who had developed a little crush on him, offered him a ride home. On the way home, he asked her to pull the car over, doubling over and claiming he was going to throw up. He then proceeded to force her into the back seat and violently sexually assaulted her. Caroline was in shock, and once the assault was over she finished driving the young man home. She got home where despite her pain and distress she did not tell anyone what had happened due to fear and shame. Caroline has recovered since then, although it took time to heal. 

Both survivors shared their stories to bring awareness to sexual assault, and to encourage survivors to speak out even though it might feel scary or difficult. If you have experienced or are experiencing sexual violence or abuse of any kind, help is available. You can call the NYC 24-hour Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-621-4673), or visit NYC Hope to access supports.

For friends and family, you have a critical role to play, especially when it comes to reducing the shame and stigma around sexual violence. When someone discloses sexual violence to you, listen with empathy and avoid judgement. Most importantly, BELIEVE the survivor -- they are likely coming to you because they trust you and that trust should be honored. It is the hope of the survivors on the ENDGBV Voices Committee that by raising awareness, we can give survivors the space they need to heal and work together to create a world free from sexual violence.